phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
