I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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