I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
