after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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