Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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