So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
