no, he came in my armpit
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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