and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
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