He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
