apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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