They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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