Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
