Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
