Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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