i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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