I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
