I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
