Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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