Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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