if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
