I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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