i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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