So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
