Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
