Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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