its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
