He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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