I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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