I feel great
I just peed on a car
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
