Sry I called you an 8
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
being pregnant is like rehab
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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