id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
