I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
