i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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