i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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