I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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