paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
