I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
