Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
