I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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