woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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