We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
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