making cat noises will not fix the situation.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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