I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
