also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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