I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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