Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
