homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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