I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
