Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
