apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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