just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize
